Why Do I Misunderstand Other People’s Intentions?

Have you ever found yourself thinking:

“They’re upset with me.”
“I know they’re judging me.”
“They ignored my message because they’re angry.”
“They probably don’t like me anymore.”

If these thoughts sound familiar, you’re not alone.

Many people assume they are accurately interpreting what others are thinking or feeling. In reality, we can never know someone else’s thoughts with certainty. Instead, our minds naturally make assumptions based on past experiences, emotions, and expectations.

Learning to recognize these assumptions is an important part of psychological well-being and a central focus of Mentalization-Based Therapy (MBT).

What Is Mentalization?

Mentalization is our ability to understand both our own behavior and the behavior of others in terms of underlying mental states—such as thoughts, feelings, intentions, desires, beliefs, and motivations.

Rather than assuming we know why someone behaved a certain way, mentalization involves holding a curious attitude and recognizing that there may be multiple possible explanations.

Instead of thinking “She didn’t text me back because she doesn’t care,” mentalizing allows room for uncertainty: “I wonder what’s happening for her today. There could be many reasons she hasn’t replied.”

Why Do We Misinterpret Other People’s Intentions?

Our brains are constantly trying to make sense of social situations. The problem is that when we’re emotionally activated, stressed, or feeling vulnerable, we tend to rely on quick assumptions rather than curiosity.

These assumptions are often influenced by:

Previous relationships
Childhood experiences
Attachment patterns
Anxiety
Depression
Trauma
Low self-esteem

For example, someone who grew up expecting criticism may automatically assume neutral feedback is actually disapproval. Someone with a history of rejection may interpret a delayed text message as evidence that they’re being abandoned. The interpretation feels real—even though it may not be accurate.

Stress Makes Mentalization Harder

Our ability to mentalize isn’t constant. When we feel emotionally safe, we’re generally better able to consider different perspectives and tolerate uncertainty. However, during moments of stress, conflict, or emotional overwhelm, this capacity often decreases.

We become more likely to:

Jump to conclusions.
Assume we know what others are thinking.
Misread facial expressions or tone of voice.
Take neutral comments personally.
See situations in black-and-white terms.
React impulsively before checking whether our interpretation is accurate.

In other words, the more emotionally activated we become, the harder it can be to accurately understand ourselves and others.

How Childhood Experiences Shape These Patterns

Our earliest relationships teach us how to understand emotions, intentions, and relationships. When caregivers are generally responsive and emotionally available, children gradually learn that thoughts and feelings can be explored safely.

However, if early relationships were unpredictable, highly critical, emotionally unavailable, or frightening, children may become especially alert to signs of rejection or danger. These patterns often continue into adulthood without conscious awareness. As a result, people may repeatedly assume negative intentions even when others have no such intention.

Curiosity Is Often More Helpful Than Certainty

One of the goals of therapy is not to become “better at reading people.” Instead, it is to become more comfortable recognizing that we cannot always know what someone else is thinking. Replacing certainty with curiosity often reduces conflict and emotional suffering.

Rather than asking “Why did they do that to me?” it can be more helpful to ask:

What evidence do I actually have?
Could there be another explanation?
What might I be missing?
What am I feeling right now that could be influencing my interpretation?

These questions help us slow down automatic assumptions and create space for a more balanced understanding.

How Mentalization-Based Therapy Can Help

Mentalization-Based Therapy (MBT) helps people strengthen their ability to understand both their own internal experiences and those of others. Rather than focusing on finding the “correct” interpretation, MBT encourages curiosity, flexibility, and reflection.

Over time, many people find that they become better able to:

Pause before reacting.
Recognize assumptions rather than treating them as facts.
Tolerate uncertainty in relationships.
Understand their emotional reactions.
Communicate more effectively during conflict.
Develop more secure and satisfying relationships.

Mentalization isn’t about becoming perfect at understanding people. It’s about becoming more aware that our minds naturally fill in gaps—and learning to approach ourselves and others with greater curiosity and compassion.

Ready to explore this in your own life? Learn more about therapy for relationship issues, or book a free consultation to talk it through.

References

American Psychiatric Association. (2022). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed., text rev.).
Bateman, A. W., & Fonagy, P. (2019). Handbook of Mentalizing in Mental Health Practice (2nd ed.). American Psychiatric Association Publishing.
Fonagy, P., Gergely, G., Jurist, E. L., & Target, M. (2002). Affect Regulation, Mentalization, and the Development of the Self. Other Press.
Luyten, P., Campbell, C., Allison, E., & Fonagy, P. (2020). The mentalizing approach to psychopathology. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 16, 297–325.