Can Attachment Styles Change?
One of the most encouraging findings from attachment research is that attachment styles are not fixed.
Although our earliest relationships shape how we experience closeness, trust, vulnerability, and emotional safety, they do not determine the rest of our lives. Attachment patterns are relatively stable, but they are also capable of changing throughout adulthood. As we form new relationships and have repeated experiences of emotional safety, our expectations about ourselves and others can gradually shift (Cassidy & Shaver, 2016; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016).
Developing a more secure attachment does not mean becoming a different person or eliminating your emotional needs. Rather, it means becoming more flexible in how you respond when those needs arise.
For someone with more anxious attachment, growth often involves learning that temporary distance does not necessarily mean rejection. Instead of immediately assuming that something is wrong in the relationship, they gradually become better able to tolerate uncertainty, regulate difficult emotions, and communicate their needs openly without becoming overwhelmed by fear.
This does not mean they stop wanting closeness or reassurance. Those needs are part of being human. The difference is that they become less dependent on immediate reassurance to feel emotionally secure and more confident that the relationship can withstand moments of distance or disagreement.
For someone with more avoidant attachment, growth often involves discovering that emotional closeness does not have to come at the expense of independence. Many people with avoidant attachment have learned that relying on others feels risky or emotionally overwhelming. As a result, they may withdraw when relationships become emotionally intense—not because they care less, but because distance has become their primary way of regulating stress.
Over time, they can learn that vulnerability is not the same as losing control. They become more comfortable expressing emotions, remaining engaged during difficult conversations, asking for support when they need it, and communicating their need for space without leaving their partner feeling rejected or abandoned.
Importantly, becoming more secure does not require either partner to stop being themselves.
The goal is not for the anxious partner to stop needing connection or for the avoidant partner to stop needing space. Instead, the goal is to create enough emotional safety that both partners can express those needs without fear.
A more secure relationship allows one partner to say, “I need reassurance right now,” while allowing the other to say, “I need a little time before we talk.” Neither statement threatens the relationship because both people trust that the connection will remain.
Research suggests that one of the most powerful experiences that promotes attachment security is having a partner who responds consistently with empathy, reliability, and emotional responsiveness. These repeated interactions gradually teach the nervous system that closeness can be safe and that temporary distance does not necessarily signal rejection (Reis et al., 2004).
Psychotherapy can also play an important role in this process.
Therapy provides a safe relationship in which people can explore the origins of their attachment patterns, recognize the emotional triggers that activate them, understand the beliefs they hold about themselves and others, and develop healthier ways of responding.
Over time, individuals often become better able to tolerate vulnerability, regulate difficult emotions, communicate more openly, and experience greater trust in themselves and in their relationships.
Perhaps most importantly, secure attachment is not about never experiencing conflict, disappointment, or emotional distance. It is about knowing that those moments do not have to threaten the relationship.
When partners learn to repair misunderstandings, respond to each other’s emotional needs with curiosity rather than defensiveness, and work together instead of against each other, they begin to create new experiences of safety.
Those repeated experiences gradually reshape the way people experience intimacy.
Rather than being driven by fear of abandonment or fear of losing independence, relationships become increasingly grounded in trust, flexibility, emotional security, and genuine connection.
References
Cassidy, J., & Shaver, P. R. (Eds.). (2016). Handbook of Attachment: Theory, Research, and Clinical Applications (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Reis, H. T., Clark, M. S., & Holmes, J. G. (2004). Perceived partner responsiveness as an organizing construct in the study of intimacy and closeness. In D. Mashek & A. Aron (Eds.), Handbook of Closeness and Intimacy (pp. 201–225). Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.